textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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