I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
