I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
