There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
