I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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