Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The best revenge is premature balding
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
