I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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