i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
