I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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