Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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