I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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