He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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