Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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