but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
