saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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