yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
