I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize