Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
