Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
