I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
