Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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