Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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