probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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