I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
