i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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