i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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