Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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