his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
