I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
