she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
