Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
