you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
