You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
