You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
