My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
