Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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