honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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