I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
