i think my mom watched the whole time
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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