I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
