I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
