you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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