Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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