I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
