How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
