At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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