I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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