I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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