My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
