I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
