Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
