It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
