Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We need to get me chipped asap
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize