Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
