I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
