Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
